(I wasn’t sure if I would share this post, it’s very raw and personal. I am nervous sharing so much of myself.)
I write these words from 30,000 feet above the earth, another flight, another day. This could be my 30th, 40th, 50th flight above the ground, I sort of wish I kept count along the years. But even with all the familiarity, I still almost didn’t make it on the flight today. Hands shaking, heart racing, skin burning and trying to hold down the nausea.
I write with my most powerful tool, honesty. Telling my story might help one of you to not feel so alone, or possibly because I need to not feel so alone. I am not afraid of flying or heights. I have anxiety.
Everyone suffers from a little anxiety, it’s normal, adrenaline and nerves are part of what makes us human. But my anxiety is uncontrollable, severe, abnormal and incredibly crippling. It effects my everyday life and makes doing simple and normally enjoyable tasks almost impossible. Anxiety is not spoken about, it’s swept under the rug, something to be ashamed and embarrassed, it’s considered a weakness, it’s not ‘real’.
But anxiety is real, it’s scary and it’s just as serious as someone suffering from depression. My anxiety takes control of my whole body. I loose control of my thoughts, I become boiling hot, I tremble all over, I feel violently ill and my heart feels as though it’s going to explode. This could be triggered by going to dinner at a restaurant, meeting a friend for coffee, getting on a plane, even watching television. I never know when I will have an anxiety attack, it could be daily or weekly. I’ll be hugging my knees, tears streaming down my cheeks, cowering in a bathroom and willing myself to just calm down. No matter how irrational you know it is, you just can’t stop it. Do you know how terrifying it is to feel like your mind and your body are fighting one another and you can’t do anything about it? The feeling you might get before a job interview, before stepping out on a stage before thousands of people, I could have that feeling in the middle of the supermarket.
The biggest step forward for me was understanding what anxiety is, and that I don’t have to be ashamed. I am not weak, and I am not sick. I will have this for life, so I may as well learn to live with it. I am a hyper aware person, I feel very deeply. There are times when I have more control, when my life is stable and I am happy, I find that I can stop an anxiety attack before it begins, or at least hide the effects easier. But during those times when I’m struggling, it’s one thing after another that keeps going wrong, something awful has happened and I’m just trying to get out of bed each day. It’s like I’ve taken a million steps back and I have no strength to keep it at bay. Imagine you’re balancing in the middle of a seesaw and a little gust of wind can push you right off. My life is often very windy.
Even though some days I can be powerless, I am so proud of my strength. I live by the fact that I will never let my anxiety stop me from doing something. No matter if I am physically ill in the bathroom just an hour before, I will force myself to go. I will get in the car, I will get on the plane, I will make it. I have never cancelled a shoot because of my anxiety (even if I have desperately wanted to), I have flown to Indonesia to live with a group of strangers and I might have been sick all night long, but I made it on that plane. I have had severe anxiety attacks during an outing, and I will get myself out of that bathroom stall. I will not go home.
For those of you who find this post frighteningly familiar, I want to tell you that you’re not alone, and you don’t need to feel embarrassed or ashamed. We are strong even at our weakest. Nobody is perfect, everyone has their problems. Let’s not be silenced, it’s time to change the stigma.
Don’t let anxiety control your life, prove it wrong.
(if you think it might help you, please share your story in the comments, we can only begin change by talking about it)
❤
appreciation definition
Good day! This is my first visit to your blog! We are a group of volunteers and starting a
new initiative in a community in the same niche. Your blog provided us useful information to work on. You have done a wonderful job!
Armony
This is maybe the second time i’m going on your blog, I thought that i will never be able to write a comment, because i’m too shy and I don’t have enough confidence in my english (i’m a french girl) but when I red your post I was very touched by your words because I lived it and and I’m still live it but for some times i’m trying to live this life as I always dreamed, even if it’s very not easy. I’m 20 years old and this anxiety sometimes take all control of my soul like, when I was in school I couldn’t get up from my bed because I was afraid about the day which coming or in class, for no reasons I was crying, I was shaking and i couldn’t breath normaly because of this awful anxiety attack. It happen during the middle of night, or when I’m in an airport, before a job interview or when i’m thinking about my future….I’m trying to be a photographer and I decided to let this anxiety beign stimulating and use it to make deep photography and not frustrating. In two days I will take the plane to travel in peru for a month, I’ll trying to be strong. Anyway, i’m sorry if this comment is very long..
Ps: I love your photography and i love the way you write and your vision of the life.
XXX Armony
Becky
This is so perfectly honest and spot-on. I suffer from anxiety and depression, though my anxiety has never been too severe. But I hate the feeling in the middle of an anxiety attack where you know the feelings are irrational, but you can’t kill them, no matter how much you fight. I feel so ashamed when I think about the things I’ve missed out on because of my anxiety; the outings I’ve avoided, exams I’ve failed, but when I push myself to do these things anyway, I feel so much stronger. I think the trick is to find a balance between pushing yourself to step out of your comfort zone, but then taking space and time out for yourself when you need it. Thank you for your honesty Claire 🙂
Mimi
Hi Claire 🙂 I’ve been following you since forever, but I’m not the type who usually writes comments (sorry, I know I should, I just feel shy). I’m also a photographer and I’m about your age, and everytime I read a post of yours I feel like we have more and more in common.
I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorders a year ago. That was when I decided going to the doctor after years of suffering it. So, yeah, I can understand you. And this is something I definitely not talk about because I don’t want anyone to think I’m “weak”. Cause I’m not. I’m a super strong, positive person, who loves life and loves laughing, and depression or anxiety does not define my life or who I am. But there is this whole stigma around mental illness like these.
Hugs from Spain 😉
Claire Alice Young
Hi Mimi, thank you so much for sharing your story. I can’t believe how much more positive I feel just knowing I am not alone, and that by talking about it we can help others to feel more accepted.
Sending my love to you!
xxxx
Christine
I definitely understand your feelings. I felt during reading like I wrote those words by my own.
I definitely flew often during the last years but I still hate it. Never feel comfortable in a plane and sometimes I really freak out. I’m happy I always had my mum beside me during those flights…
Claire Alice Young
Flying can be so stressful! I think it’s a horrid combination of being confined in a small space, not being able to get out, and being 30,000 feet above the ground! It’s a cocktail for disaster for me. Sometimes it’s beautiful though when I can gaze out the window at the clouds, I usually feel more comfortable with Martin by my side so I can understand it helping having your Mum there!
xxxx
Dani
Claire,
Thank you for finding the strength to post this. I too have suffered with severe anxiety for my whole life. After it hit a scary peak in my adolescence in which I thought I couldn’t go on, I began a myriad of psychology sessions. I can now say I am more or less anxiety free and let life wash over me. I can not stress the importance of reaching for help in dark times, and surrounding yourself with people who lift you higher rather than shame you for what you’re going through.
Unlike you, I did cancel things. I cancelled flights, sleepovers and more coffee dates than can be counted. I cannot commend you highly enough for never giving up even in the darkest of times. It shows an inner spark that even the strongest panic attack couldn’t douse.
“Right here, right now, I am OK”.
Claire Alice Young
Dani, thank you for your lovely comment. I am so so happy for you that you are almost completely anxiety free! How wonderful. I’ve been thinking more and more about how it might help to have someone to talk to. I’ve always grown up in a family where we don’t take medication, and we try to fix our problems on our own. But I think I’ve made some positive steps and accepted that I might need some help by talking to someone every now and again! You’ve inspired me with your success (:
xxxx
Molly Pavlovich
You are an amazing, amazing soul Claire. This is empowering and inspired to read for someone like me that struggles with mental disorders that are hidden in the dark by society. Thank you for making this world a better place. You’re inspiring, talented, beautiful and brave. I’m so proud of you and how strong you are.
Claire Alice Young
Thank you Molly, you are beautiful. Sending all my love to you!
xxxxx
Esther
I am strangely so proud of your courage and strength to speak out for yourself and for others. Anxiety is a huge issue; I battle with it too and it is so encouraging to know that there are others. Thank you. x
Claire Alice Young
Hello lovely!
It has completely amazed me to learn how many of us suffer in silence with our anxiety, but just talking about it can help so much to feel better. We are awesome!
xxxx
Madeleine Gill
I have struggled with a panic/ anxiety disorder for the past few years. There were times when I couldn’t even leave the house without experiencing horrible and uncomfortable symptoms.
Photography has actually helped me a lot with my disorder. I am surrounded by wonderful creative people. There was a time this year when I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to go on shoots and do client work due to a development in my symptoms.
However I have passed that now and knowing that you are able to stay strong and persist through the symptoms is a feeling to be proud of.
I hope your photography helps with your anxiety too. You definitely are not alone. x
Claire Alice Young
I can relate so so much. When I was about 16 I really struggled leaving the house, and have gone through periods since then too. Photography has helped me immensely, mainly because it has stopped me from giving up. It forces me to get out of the house! And I am my most calm with my camera in my hands, it helps me to make sense of everything. I don’t know what I would do with out it! Goodluck with your journey (:
xxxx
Elis
I couldn’t have read this post at a better time. I know these feelings all too well. You’re right in that it helps to know you are not alone. It’s good to see that it hasn’t stopped you from accomplishing goals. I always say to take it one day at a time.
Claire Alice Young
Very very true! Some days are terrible but the next can be beautiful! Live life in the moment (:
xxx